The Sacramento Kings have a laser beam and the Dallas Mavericks must respond


The start of the last season of the NBA was strange. The Jazz were supposed to tank, but now they’re leading the West. The Nets were supposed to be a super team, but now they’ve fired their coach and KD hates all of his teammates. The Lakers… well, it sucks, as expected. And every other team seems to be mired between 8 and 10 wins.


With such a wide open field and no team outside of maybe Milwaukee and Boston quite sure how to feel, it was difficult for the fan bases involved to align their expectations. This is it, with one big exception.

The Sacramento Kings They have a laser beam, and their fans are totally bought.

The Kings have been solid this season so far, sitting at 9-6, good for fifth in the West, but you won’t find a fanbase more closed and supportive of their team. And all because of a giant beam shooting from the top of the stadium.

On the other hand, the Dallas Mavericks The season started aimlessly. Luka Doncic is out of his mind, trying to make up for the loss of Jalen Bronson, Playoffs champ Reggie Bullock can’t find the bottom of the net, Tim “It’s like adding a free agent” Hardaway Jr. is unmistakably rusty, and the actual New addition, Christian Wood can’t seem to find minutes. Emotions are an absolute mess. There has to be some sort of symbolic gesture this fanbase can tuck into to celebrate victories while the team finds its footing, sure as hell not the Mavs’ new guy. Never worry. I have some suggestions.

Release a live horse onto the field

Just shove it in there and let it do its thing. What might happen? Who knows, it’s a live horse. It’s a celebration!

The annual jersey updates were a fun new wrinkle for the NBA season. Dallas has had some winners, some losers, and a lot in between. The one thing that hasn’t changed, though, is the actual Mavs branding and logo. It’s still a horse ball. Horse pictures are something only tangentially associated with Mavericks, so this would be a great opportunity to solidify that connection.

Mavs hammer

After each win, the fans must take turns destroying different sections of the American Airlines Center with sledgehammers.

The ray speaks of privilege as long as it is devoid of grounds for hope. Marvin Bagley’s drafting of Luka Doncic is the latest reason for their despondency, but there’s a lot more to it. This is why Beam is genius. A literal beacon of light, cutting through the darkness of the night and, in fact, the darkness of the fan itself.

The situation in Dallas is a little different. As the benefactor of the Kings offense, they have their star player in Luka Doncic. They’ve had playoff success lately – just last year they advanced to the Western Conference Finals. But with a roster that has remained at once stagnant but uniquely bleak in a different way year after year, these fans are a mentality bunch ready to lean toward destruction at the drop of a hat. Let them destroy AAC.

Dallas Mavericks Governor Mark Cuban has stated that the team’s odds of staying at the American Airlines Center through the lease for 2031 are “less than 50%.” If this is indeed the case, why not start demolition earlier? The Mavericks must play their last game of the 2023 season in a stadium surrounded by rubble, the roof torn off, evocative of the Roman Colosseum, an arena where fighters would go to fight and die. A fitting scene for a fandom steeped in bloodshed.

Dirk Nowitzki dropped from the rafters onto a bungee cable

Yes, his knees and ankles suck, which is why I said he had to be brought down while being suspended by a bungee cable. It is low impact.

If the building’s genocide is a step too far, perhaps the audience’s nostalgic instincts will appeal. Plans for his final bust outside the area are still in the works, so in the meantime, why not give fans a look at the man himself.

Once the final horn sounds, the ceiling’s “Door Dirk” swings open and the former Maverick legend hangs over half of the field to everyone’s cheers. This team as built has very clear issues. Problems that can’t be fixed because Dallas has already maxed out next season. In this case, discourage any forward-looking idealism regarding proper drafting and team building. Just remind people of the good old times. dieeeerk!

%d bloggers like this: